Quick question, folks. What the f*** is happening?If for no other reason that everything that once was eventually returns [extreme Galadriel voice], I’m back writing about professional wrestling on IGN. I never stopped writing for IGN but I did stop doing the whole wrestling coverage thing that I did for a decade. It was sad, but also a relief. I could watch wrestling and have opinions at my leisure. On my time. Anyhow, here we are at the end of all things, Mr. Frozone (that’s from a Redbox movie called The Ringcredibles). Of course, this can’t be what it once was, right? I just can’t go back to that old Wrap Up style, can I? Look, some things will never change. I write how I write. It’s not like I spent the time away actually getting good. It’s going to all be flagrantly conversational. I can’t help that. But I also can’t watch ALL the wrestling now. No one can. Those who do? Godspeed, Spider-Man. Unless I’m willing to forsake my family, friends, and other pop-culture passions, I’m going to have to mostly stick to WWE and AEW (with guest appearances by TNA and NJPW here and there). Which brings us to the first major thing that’s changed since I stopped Wrapping Up. AEW exists now. I was fortunate to go to the first All In and then the first Double or Nothing, and a handful of other All Elite events, and it’s the first promotion since the mid-’90s to actually come close to being a WWE equal (while also offering an alternative, in various creative ways). But it’s doubled the amount of TV, which was already at a near-unacceptable amount before. So this new weekly Wrap Up will be single-topic based. I’m not going to do a rundown of all 11, sometimes 15, sometimes wtf knows, hours of grapplebutt. It’s not like I didn’t just write about what I wanted to anyhow, but it’s going to be more focused. You wouldn’t know that from this trudge of a preamble, but you get what I mean. Secondly: memes. They’re everywhere. You can just reach out and pluck them from the air. We have more memes in our respective social feeds now than we have actual love in our life. You can swing a Phone Dog and hit an Instagram meme account. And .gifs? Forget about it. People hand out .gifs like they’re fuzzy wristbands at a weed shop. So keep that in mind as you behold this elder goth try to keep up with the funny pictures and zippety zops and whatnots. The entire world is blip blarps now. Whereas once I may have been a pioneer, now I am a POS. I am what youths refer to as “cringe,” as they all live in abject fear, minute to minute of every day, of not having an unblemished life. I used to have to collect silly pictures throughout the week, on the rare occasion they would cross my path. Now I can just open my phone and… [experiment time]… literally, this was just there:We have now reached the wrestling portion of this wrestling column. The Royal Rumble is Saturday (another thing that changed!) and I’m here to state my case for this premium live event being the absolute best wrestling show in existence. Better than WrestleMania. Better than the All Ins and Outs. I know this isn’t a hot take but when have I ever courted controversy? My most scathing opinion was that heel Michael Cole made RAW unwatchable. Most of the time I’m like “if you squint really hard The Miz kind of looked like a bird this week.”Here’s why the Rumble rules:There’s CountingLook, if it’s good enough for muppet Nosferatu, it’s clearly good enough for slovenly OkadaStan69. WWE loves to run “It’s All About the Numbers” promo packages for the Rumble and they all mean about as much as the Elimination Chamber facts about how many feet of chain make up the Chamber (do you have to eat them like sausage links?). The only numbers that do matter, though, are the 30 entrants – with spots ONE AND TWO BEING THE SAME SPOT, DAMMIT – and the time in between Rumblers. It makes for a fun slice of shared crowd participation as we all count down from 10, hoping that the next person out is one of the five to 10 entrants who actually have a chance of winning and not, like, the usual Brock Lesnar fodder. It brings us together. If only to keep us mentally alert and prove to the rest of the world that we still know how integers work.It’s the Beginning For decades now, the time between the Rumble and WrestleMania has been its own massive thing. Wrestling casuals from all walks of life come back to the fold for the “Road to WrestleMania” because it’s when WWE attempts to pull out all the stops to turn WrestleMania weekend into something that can beat all previous records. You finally get the top feuds and stories you’ve been waiting for since September. Old legends come back to go into business for themselves. And multimedia celebrities, influencers, and recording artists you’ve never heard of (or at least aren’t an actual fan of) enter the fray in order to bring in mainstream coverage and outside eyes. Honestly, I would just start kissing because I wouldn’t know which eye to look into. The Royal Rumble is the opening chapter in all of this and, more often than not, it gets us all properly hyped for what’s to come. It’s like the pilot episode of a show that’s designed to hook you by going bigger and bolder than the stuff that directly follows. Sure, ‘Mania is the grand finale, but endings get flubbed way more than beginnings. It’s harder to meet everyone’s expectations than it is to tease and tantalize. So just by being the first thing (and by not being two full nights) the Royal Rumble is awesome.Did I really just say the Rumble’s best because it’s first? Yes. This one goes out to everyone who’s ever posted “First” on a comment board. And to the ones who still do. Keep being the wind beneath our wings.The Rumble Itself Contains MultitudesNot only is there the whole “whoever wins gets a title show WrestleMania” deal that draws you into the Royal Rumble, but the match itself contains many ministories. Sometimes it starts feuds. Sometimes it ends feuds. Sometimes you get teases of dream matches for a minute or two. Sometimes Brock Lesnar sucks away all the fun and joy like a Dementor by eliminating 70 people. There’s a lot that can happen in a Rumble and it takes, almost, a Herculean effort to make a bad one (see the aforementioned Lesnar joy suck, also don’t Google that). And, if a particular Rumble gets weighed and measured and is still somehow found wanting……There Are Two Rumbles NowWWE, with the addition of the Women’s Royal Rumble, has now doubled our delight. It may seem like overkill, but so far, after a few years, the extra Rumble has only ever provided more awesomeness. And a chance to try different things creatively by making the two Rumbles feel thematically and structurally different. It’s always fun when your favorite wins, naturally, or – the safer bet – THE favorite wins, but with two Rumbles there’s a chance to have one traditional, predictable win and one outside-the-norm win. It can more easily now be a one for them/one for us situation. Those Surprise Entrants, ThoughThe Rumble often offers up a big debut or a big comeback. Like an AJ Styles finally arriving in WWE or an Edge returning to wrestling after being told his career was over. Some of the biggest pops of all time have come from one of these glorious wrestlepranks and this year will most likely be no different. Sure, Okada and Mercedes Mone are most likely signing with AEW… but what if? What if we predict things so hard that when they don’t happen we get super angry at WWE for not reading our goddamn minds? What if Tom Cruise doesn’t show up as Tony Stark? Ohhhh, our online rage will be unequaled! Also, newly minted TKO board member The Rock’s out there. Looming. And if he’s AT ALL a candidate for a shocking Rumble return then he’s also a candidate for a less shocking Rumble win. Even Hogan’s out here now, during all the recent 40th anniversary of HulkaMania hullabaloo, saying “I may have one more left in me.” Now, to be fair, that could mean many things. A sex tape. The N word. A pair of surgical forceps. Regardless, if it is one more “match,” and that match is the Rumble, then I hope the crowd boos… Wait, the Rumble’s in Florida. Nevermind. There Are Other Matches TooThe Royal Rumble event isn’t just Rumbling. There are usually three or four other bouts, one of them usually being a major title match. The good thing about this is that if they’re not great, they’re not the focus. If they are great, then it’s just more great. Which, sorry to get into math here, adds up to creating an even better show. This is the top notch analysis you yearn for, folks!Anyhow, bear with me as it may take a few swings to connect with the ball here. And as always, many others know more than me. I’m not a scholar. Wrestling should be fun, funky, and inclusive. I’m not here to make gatekeeper pedantic dorks happy. As Cornelius Maplethorpe Punk said, “I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to make money.” (Psst, please be my friend, I have no money.)For 1.0 Wrap Up’s sake, I’ll add, regarding this week’s big news, the WWE/Netflix deal is very Interesting™, the Cody/Punk ring segment was very Good™, and Vince is exactly the vile monster you think he is (re: being sued now for sexual assault and sex trafficking, reported by the WSJ). Probably even worse. Hopefully, along with actual legal ramifications, this will get that nightmare away from any and all TKO/WWE dealings. Away from human beings in general would be nice too. Former IGN TV Executive Editor Eric Goldman gave me some advice ahead of this, telling me not to put Phone Dog in the first column back. To save it. Like how Roz was saved for the new Night Court’s Season 1 finale (actual analogy). But I’m weak. So very weak-willed. “You’re being audited by the IRS.”KNEELIFT!
